AZ girl

Well, I guess this is "See you later."  I've decided to blog on another page.

http://tehachapidomesticgoddess.blogspot.com/

I hope to see you soon!

Jenny

The End?

Wow, it's hard to believe that it has been 2 years since my first visit to Oregon.  So much has happened in those years.  So much I've been able to share with you and so much that I wasn't able to share.  But I don't know where to go from here...

I've made the decision to move back to Arizona.  The Arizona girl in me is dancing and laughing and doing cartwheels in joy at the fact that I'm going home.  The Oregon girl in me is crying and mourning.  I thought long and hard about this decision and still feel it is the best decision to make.  Since I haven't shared why I made this decision, I guess it's time to explain it.

In January, the only client I had through Home Instead changed his insurance and had to choose a new care company.  The office manager said they would look for another client for me and try to get me more hours.  They never found a steady client for me. To tell the truth, I only got 2 calls from them about picking up hours.  One client needed someone for several hours each day, but those hours cut into the time I was in class.  The other call was a last minute call, but I wasn't able to change my plans to make it to the client's house in time.  Finances wise, I was okay-I still had my unemployment income.

However, in February, my unemployment income stopped.  I had exhausted all of the funds available to me.  I knew that this was going to happen and I started looking for a job in January.  I put in countless of applications.  The only company I heard from/interviewed with was Big 5 Sporting Goods.  After I interviewed with them, I didn't hear from them for a while.

By the first week of March, I knew that something had to change.  I started looking at the option of going home.  I gave myself a deadline.  I had until Spring Break to find a job.  If I didn't have a job, then I was going to move back to Arizona.  I talked to my mom and made arrangements with her.  I knew that until I found a job in Arizona, I could earn money working with Jack at the ball parks.  The Saturday before finals, a week before my self imposed deadline, I gave up.  I sat and cried because I didn't want to go back to Arizona but I needed to be an adult and realize that I couldn't stay here.  Less that 24 hours later, the manager at Big 5 called me and asked if I was still interested in working there.

Of course I said "YES!"  Crystal was willing to work with my availability with school and the fact that I was going out of town for a week.  I went to California for spring break and had a wonderful time with my dad and family.  I came back and settled down into school and work and church.  Life was great again.

But in the back of my mind there was still that little voice that told me I should have gone home.  Something was missing in my life, something that Oregon wasn't providing me with.  I ignored that voice, tried to cover it up, tried to hide from it.

In April, I went back to Arizona for the celebration of life for Papa Bear.  And through my grief and sadness that voice started yelling at me.  That this is where I belonged, that I should stay there. And my heart...felt full.  It was a strange sensation.  I finally realized what that little voice was telling me.  There was something missing that was full again.  Once again I was fighting myself.  I had been hiding from myself and was slipping into depression again.  I had tried to find things to fill a hole inside of me.

The hole inside was a hole created by family.  I felt like I had been shoved out and I didn't know where my place was anymore.  I had tried to fill the hole but it was only a temporary fix.  It was wonderful for a while, but soon I felt like I was taking advantage of people and felt ashamed of myself for it.

Finally I gave voice to the words inside of me.  I needed to go home. I was trying to find where I was needed and I realized that I needed myself.  It was time to take care of me first, something I never quite got the hang of.  I had to finish the school term I was in and see if I could get a store transfer to a Big 5 in Phoenix.  And so we come to the present day.  The school term is over.  I have a store transfer in place to the Peoria store.

So my new adventure begins on Monday when Jamie, Kayla, and I drive from Oregon to Arizona.  And as for this blog?  I don't know, maybe I'll start a new blog.  I could flip it around and title it OR girl in AZ, but as in all things, I'll wait and see what tomorrow brings.

Thank you for your support and being there for me to vent out to the world.

Homesick

Last week in one of my classes, we were asked by the professor to describe what we are homesick for.  One of the things that cycled through my brain as I processed this was the sun and it’s heat.   We had the wettest March on record, and while it has been nice the last couple of days (getting into the high 60’s), it doesn’t hold a candle to the 90+ degree weather that Arizona has been having.

But I also thought about other things that I am homesick for, especially as the Easter holiday came.  There are so many traditions that I miss. 

I remember living in Michigan and going to the park on the Saturday before Easter.  Areas of the park were cordoned off, with thousands of eggs just lying there waiting for some kid to grab them…

I remember mom hiding eggs throughout the house and yard while we stayed in our rooms, and then double checking to make sure we got all of them…

I remember the Easter baskets of candy and toys.  We always got a small chocolate bunny and a large chocolate cross so we would know the real meaning of Easter…

All of these brought a smile to my face as I remembered the joy of being a kid.

 And then I remember Debbie making deviled eggs for Easter dinner with Bear sitting in the dining room.  He was the taste tester and gave his opinion on what was missing from the eggs, always trying to sneak into the eggs before dinner… 

All of a sudden, the smile was gone from my face, and tears started streaming down my cheeks.  I was even more homesick than before, wanting to be home for Easter, to be around family.  I wanted to be able to hug Debbie and Jamie and Nate, to be there to support them for the first holiday without Papa Bear. 

But I have to wait another 17 days before I can do that.  I’m going home for Dad’s celebration of life party.  I’ll only be home for 3 days but its 3 days that I need to help ease some of this homesickness…

Why I Make Jewelry

I shared on Facebook about an email I received from my Writing instructor asking for permission to submit the 2nd essay I wrote for his class to the "Best Essay" contest held each term for the WR121 classes.  I've always been too critical of my own writing, not liking how it sounds, always editing and editing...always a perfectionist.  I don't know what's changed, but I think I'm ready to share that essay with the rest of the world, to open myself up to you.  

Why I Make Jewelry

            Cut three 3 inch pieces of wire.  With one or two strikes, hammer the tip of each wire into a paddle shape.  File the edges.  My desk is organized; several pairs of pliers are lined up with wire shears, files, and hammers.  Containers of beads sit next to coils of wire and both are next to the stack of design books.  A fuzzy bead mat covers most of my free space and keeps the beads from rolling onto the floor.  Scraps of wire litter the floor around my workspace.  Unfinished projects wait for the inspiration to strike again, begging to be finished.

On one wire, string a 3 mm round, a furnace glass disc, and a 3 mm round.  On the other wires, string a 2 mm round, a 4 mm bicone, and a 2 mm round.  My journey into jewelry making began eighteen months ago when I picked up a kit with all of the components necessary to make six pairs of earrings.  I was aimlessly wandering through Walmart, contemplating the changes in my life.  I was newly transplanted from Phoenix, Arizona, to Banks, Oregon.  My career as a financial aid officer was over, ended at the whim of an unstable boss.  Everything lined up like the beads on my wire to prepare me for my new job that was thirteen hundred miles away.  My new job was to be caregiver to my cousin on life support, substitute mommy to her daughters, and live in housekeeper, laundry maid, and kitchen queen for her husband. 

Begin with the furnace glass dangle.  With chain nose pliers, bend the wire about 2 mm above the top bead.  When I agreed to move to Oregon, I did not realize how difficult my new job was going to be.  I started my day at 6:30 a.m. getting the girls ready for school.  This was followed by a round of medicines and respiratory treatments for my cousin. These medical treatments were scheduled for every four hours throughout the day and into the night.  In between the treatments I worked on the never-ending laundry pile, meal preparations, homework help, and discipline.  My day did not end until after 10:30 p.m., and at times even went into the night.  I was running on empty, lacking sleep and energy.

Bend the wire back to begin a zigzag pattern.  Continue until the zigzag portion is about ¾ inch long.  I felt like a piece of wire bent in a zigzag pattern.  I was always rushing from one end of the house to the other.  One particularly stressful night I remembered that I had bought the earring kit and it was waiting for me to open it.  I had been drowning in stress; that kit became my lifesaver.  It gave me a chance to relax and unwind for the only thing in the world was me, a few inches of wire, and beads.  Joy was found in the bending of wire to follow a pattern.  Peace was found in stringing beads on the bent wire.  Healing happened in the completion of the project.  Pride came in selling the final result. 

Trim the zigzag wire 3/8 inch above the top bend and make a plain loop.  Trim one of the other wires to 1 3/8 inch and the third wire to 1 1/8 inch.  Make a plain loop at the end of each wire.  I grew confident in my skills as a fledgling jewelry maker.  My paycheck went towards buying design books and beads, always more beads.  I started recreating the patterns in the books I had.  Once I had confidence in myself with my re-creations, I branched out into free designing.  I started creating my own designs and what surprised me most of all was that people wanted to buy my creations.  

Open the loop on an earring wire and attach the dangles, stringing the shortest one first and the zigzag last.  Close the loop.  Make a second earring to match the first.  My cousin is no longer with us as she made the decision to turn off life support in July. Her death caused me to go into a depression, a grief so deep I grew suicidal.  There was no joy in life for me. I did not know what my purpose was.  Jewelry making once again became my outlet with a little bit of grief left behind with each twist of the pliers, each bend of the wire, each finished product.  It’s for this reason that I make jewelry

Grief

There’s always a phone call you don’t want to get.

There’s always an email you don’t want to read.

And yet, we get these letters and phone calls.

Our world drops out from under us.

And tears fall…

And they fall even more…

We remember the good times with happiness…the laughter, the joy, the love.

We cringe at the bad memories…the anger, the hurt, the disappointment.

            And tears fall again…

And the tears fall after we think we no longer have tears.

Everyone tells you that it will be okay…

            That it works out in the end.

But what do they really know?

Do they know the pain that makes it hurt to breathe?

Do they know the anger that comes from thinking you could have done something?

Yet it makes you remember that you are alive…

And that you have others in your life…

                        That need to be hugged, and held, and loved.

Just like you need to be hugged, and held, and loved…

            And then you feel imaginary arms around you…

                        And you feel them there with you…

And you know everything is going to be okay.

In memory of James "Papa Bear" Chapman

1951-2012

January 10th, already?!

Yikes, I can't believe we are already 10 days into 2012.  These last 10 days (actually the last month) have been really busy and overwhelming and tiring and emotional and I can't think of any other words to describe it.

I'm posting some pictures here of the time we spent at the Grand Canyon's South Rim.  More details will come later after I get a chance to catch my breath and I don't have a pile of homework calling my name as I procrastinate...oops, there goes one of my resolutions!

This little critter came within a 18 inches of us.  I don't 

know if he wanted fed or just wasn't afraid of humans.  

Talk about a huge group!

From left to right:  Me, Benjamin, Maxwell, Jeana, Grandpa George,
Janay, Valerie, Judy, Jack, Grandma Jean, Jenita(Mom)

This is the first picture of the Grand Canyon that I took.

I was absolutely amazed and felt tiny.

See the helicopter shadow?  We were a mile high and

traveling at 105 mph when I took this picture.

Just one of the beautiful sights from the helicopter.

Disappointment with a little sadness...

I’m going to start this post off with a disclaimer.  This post may upset you.  And if it does, I apologize. 

I was so excited about going to church today.  I was going to go to the church where I spent 5 years at after I moved back to Phoenix from New Mexico.  The church where I made so many friends, worked with the children, sang in the choir, became family.

Several hours after church is over and I’m home, I realize I have names for what I’m feeling.  I’m feeling disappointment tinged with sadness and a realization of what I don’t want to be like.

I could not believe how many people told me it was good to see me, how was I doing, I had been missed…but, oh, where have you been for the last year, last 2 years?  I could not believe how many people did not know that I had moved to Oregon.  Some of these people had seen me in August when I visited and asked the exact same questions.

At one time I considered a lot of these same people friends and mentors.  And now I don’t know what to call them.

But I’ve come to a realization that I don’t want to be like that.  I don’t want to be the person who says that you are my friend, but I don’t call or write or message or try to keep in touch.   This is my resolution. 

And as for the church?  Well, you as a church and a congregation will be in my prayers.  It appears the reasons why I left this church 3 years ago are still there.  While I did see many new faces today, how many faces have been lost to other churches? 

I’m planning on visiting the church again for the New Year’s Day service as I told several people I would be there.  But I won’t have the same excited, expectant feeling I had leading up to today’s service.