In Christ I Can Do All Things

It’s amazing how God speaks to us. 

He’s been telling me I need to do something to help heal my heart and I have been fighting it.  I need to do what He has laid out before me, but I don’t want to.  I keep trying to come up with reasons not to do it.

Tonight, I’m sitting here arguing with Him about this task He has set for me.  Telling Him I can’t do it.  Telling Him my heart isn’t strong enough.  Telling Him that I don’t know how I’m going to do it. 

As usual, I have my music playing in the background.  In the middle of arguing with God, I start singing along.  And then I start crying because of the song that I started singing without realizing what song it was. 

It was “In Christ” by Big Daddy Weave.  Here are the exact words that I sang:

In Christ I can do all things

In Christ I mount up on eagle's wings

In Christ I wait for a great reward

That I have in store

In Christ I have His righteousness

In Christ I have what I confess

In Christ I don't worry about all the rest

Cause everything I need to be is in Christ

Just as I needed the reminder, God made it happen.  Once again, I’m humbled and amazed at what he uses to speak to us. 

Thanksgiving, tears, and honesty

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. 

There are days I don’t feel thankful, and the past few weeks have been full of those kinds of days, but things are looking better.

Obviously, I am thankful for my family and friends.  You’re taking the time to read what I’ve written, and for that I’m thankful.

I told myself a year ago when I started this blog that I needed to be honest in everything.  I’ve opened up my life to you and I know that wherever you are, you care for me or else you wouldn’t be reading this.

So I’m going to be honest and explain a little of what has really been going on, what I’ve been hiding in my heart and behind a facade. 

I’ve been floundering since Frances’s death.  For a year, I was needed by someone and was kept very busy-both physically and mentally.  I was able to put any negative feelings away and focus on taking care of Frances and the girls and the house and everything else.  Now, I don’t have those concerns.  I don’t have someone who needs me 24 hours a day.  It’s been hard to try and find where I fit in now.  Where is the Jenny shaped hole in the girls’ lives, in Scott’s life, in Aunt Betty’s life, in my own life?  There have been problems in the transition and I don’t deal well with major changes.

Going from being so busy to having more free time than I know what to do with has also been a hard transition.  I’ve been questioning what my role in this world really is.  Where does God want me?  What is His purpose for my life?  And then come the questions asking if God is really there…  I felt abandoned, left alone.  Like there was a brick wall between me and Him.  I felt like I was reaching and searching and He was playing hide and seek with me.

There was also the feeling and the question of when is it my turn to have a family?  I’ve always wanted a husband and children of my own.  I kept seeing friends and family on Facebook posting that they were engaged, they set dates, they got married, they were pregnant... And each time I saw one of those types of statuses, I cried and I railed at God.   I wanted to know where my helpmate was, where my children are…  I didn’t want to hear God say that I need to wait, that it’s not my turn yet.  I’m struggling with trusting God in this and placing my worry and stress in His hands.  Part of what I’m doing with this is wearing my True Love Waits ring again.  Having the ring on my left hand is there to remind me I’m trusting God in this and that I can’t take it away from Him.

I’ve touched on the topic of depression and my struggles with it.  What I haven’t told everyone is that my depression has gotten to the point where there were days that I didn’t want to continue to live.   There were times that I wanted to speed up instead of slow down for curves in the road…where I wanted to drive my car into one of the deep ditches that line parts of the highways here.  Something has stopped me every time it’s been heavy on my mind.  Usually, it is thoughts of my mom or my sisters and how they would feel if I did go through with it.  It has been thoughts of Sarah and Rebekah keeping me from doing anything.

I met with Pastor Bryan this week and poured out my heart to him.  He suggested things that I need to do to help find where my place in this world is.  And even though it has only been a couple of days since I met with him, I’ve felt this peace come over me.  I’m starting to feel God there again.  I needed to speak with someone who isn’t part of my family, someone who can give me an outside point of view.  I also needed to share with the people who love me most.  It also means I have to give up on the relationships that are unhealthy or work towards making them healthy.  There’s one relationship in particular that I want to work on but feel like I need to back away from it completely for now.    This has been especially hard since for a while, this has been one of the most important relationships in my life.

This is where I also need your help.  I need you to keep me accountable, to help me remember that I need to give up all my worries, all my concerns, all the things that are bothering me to God and that I need to do this every minute of every day.  Right now, these struggles are hard and I really need the support.  I’m going to try to keep the blog updated on how these struggles are going.  You can also email, call, or text me.  If you need any of the contact information, please leave me a comment here or on Facebook. 

Friends...

Friends.  It’s amazing how much is encompassed by one 7 letter word.

Have you ever had a friend that is the first person you want to call when something happens, whether good or bad?   A friend that you can vent all your frustrations to and have them listen and understand? A friend that you can run to for advice?  A friend that knows you will do the same for them, that calls you to vent, that calls for advice, that calls for the good and bad?

I have had a couple of friends like that.  Lately though, it seems like I’ve lost one of them.  I used to be able to talk to this person all the time.  They were the first person I wanted to call when I got a 92% on my Biology test, but I couldn’t.  They were the person I wanted to run to when I had problems or needed advice.  Lately though, they’re the last person I want to talk to.  I’ve taken their number off of my speed dial because I don’t need it anymore.  They used to call me, but those phone calls have stopped.

Something has slowly ruined the easy relationship we had.  And I don’t know what it is.  I can’t try to fix it if I don’t know what it is.  But when I think about it, I don’t know if I even want to fix it.  I wonder if the relationship is worth trying to save.

I also think God may have another friend waiting for me.  Frances had a home health aide who came to the house twice a week and helped me give Frances a shower.  She and I became friends.  She told me to give her a call sometime in October.  I didn’t give her a call, too much was going on.  But since then, I have run into her every couple of weeks.  It’s like God keeps throwing us together.  I last saw her on Friday night when the girls and I had to make a pull-up run to the store.  She mentioned then that she has never run into any of her previous client’s families as many times as she and I have run into each other.  So we’ve made plans to get together after the holidays. 

Even with all of this going on, I’ve been thinking a lot about where my life is headed.  I feel peace when I think about school.  I know that I need to stay in school and complete this degree.  I don’t feel peace anymore about staying in Oregon.  But I also don’t feel peace about going back to Phoenix.

So I guess I still need to sit back and think, and wonder where my life is headed.    

Running

The urge to run away is so strong.  I just want to leave, to run from everything until I don't feel anything anymore, until I'm numb. I'm sick of not sleeping.  Of crying myself to sleep when I finally do.  I'm tired of running on autopilot.  Of going through life one foggy day at a time.

So much stuff is going on that I can't talk to anyone about...can't relate to anyone about. 

And still there is that little voice in my head that tells me I should have listened to Frances when she told me I should go back to Phoenix.  That I need my Arizona family more than the Oregon family needs me.

school, work and my mental health

So I guess it is past time to update everyone.  I’ve been busy the last month around here. 

I’ll start with school.  I started the semester with a 16 credit course load.  Three classes, Writing (English), Spanish and Biology.  Everything is going great in my Spanish and Biology class.  I’m learning a lot in these classes.  Writing has been a problem since the semester started.  The instructor has a certain mindset and heaven forbid if anyone contradicts her.  This week was the last straw.  I went to the admissions office and spoke to an advisor and have withdrawn from that class.  I’ll take it again next semester with a different instructor.  And I guess I feel a kind of relief, knowing I don’t have this third class that adds to the homework load.  My biology class is getting a little harder to understand and we’ve moved out of the Spanish that I already know into the Spanish that is above my head.  Maybe I was a little too eager to jump into classes when it has been a while since I’ve been in school.

Work is okay.  I have one permanent assignment (as permanent as caregiving gets) that I go to on Mondays and Wednesdays.  I get along with the gentleman I’m working with, and his wife reminds me of me.  She and I have shared about how hard it is to let go of control of the house and let someone help.  But she’s also looking forward to the day that her husband feels comfortable with just me taking care of him so she can leave the house and get away. 

Mental health wise, things aren’t so great.  We’re entering fall and winter here.  It’s really hard on me with my depression.  I miss the sunlight and the warmth.  I’ve increased my Vitamin D and I’m waiting for a sunlight lamp that helps people who have depression.  I’m also feeling lonely.  Even surrounded by people every day, I feel alone.

Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice in staying in Oregon.  There have been days when it seems like everything going on is too overwhelming and I just want to run.  And keep running with the hopes of leaving everything behind. 

...A new season begins

I've gotten a couple of comments lately about my plans.  There are still some people who don't know that I'm staying in Oregon instead of going back to Arizona.  Today's blog will be to update on the last month (I really need to blog more often!) and my reasons for staying in Oregon.

Reason 1 - One of Frances' last requests for me was that I stay at the house until the girls went back to school, which was the week of Labor Day.  I agreed to do so to help Scott deal with everything.  It turns out I wasn't really needed as he is doing a great job being a single daddy.

Reasons 2 and 3 - Rebekah and Sarah.  I didn't want to leave them so close to losing their mommy.  We still get to spend time together as they spent last weekend with Aunt Betty and I.  Also, I am the free babysitter on Mondays when Scott goes to his firefighter drill.

Reason 4 - Not too long before Frances died, I realized one of the reasons that God brought me to Oregon. I found my calling, where my talents lie.  I enjoy taking care of people and I'm good at it.  So I've decided to change my college major (again).  I am changing to Nursing.  This will satisfy my need to take care of people and bring joy to my life.  I don't know what specialty I want to work with, I'm leaning toward respiratory, but that may change as I continue through my studies.  I am enrolled at Portland Community College and start classes on Tuesday, September 27.

If you put it all together it makes sense.  I was adamant that I wanted to start classes this semester, otherwise, I would have put it off and who knows when I would have gone back.  College classes in Arizona started in the middle of August, which would have meant leaving before the girls went back to school, and the girls are really important to me. 

Once the girls were in school and Scott was ready to have me gone, I moved to Aunt Betty's house.  I now have my own room (with a door!) instead of sharing the girls' playroom with them.  Once I was moved, I started working on looking for a job.  I applied at a bunch of places, and got called for an interview with a company called Home Instead Senior Care.  They were looking for part time caregivers.  Interview done, and one week later, I got the call to schedule a day to start my training.  The best part is that they will work around my school schedule. 

So now, my focus is on school and my part time job.  Looking back to see what I did wrong when it came to college, I realized I was focused on my full time job and tried to fit school in around that and maybe that's why I didn't finish.  I have a new mindset now.  I am focused on full time school, with my part time job. 

And I think that's where you come in as my family and friends.  Help keep me accountable to my goal of completing my degree.  Be there for me if I start to struggle in my walk.

I've put the challenge to myself to see this through, will you help me?

One season ends...

My last post was a month ago, one week before Frances came off life support. So much has happened in the last month, and I’m going to get you caught up. 

The last week of Frances’s life was hard for me. It was hard to believe that time was ticking down quicker and quicker.  In the back of my mind I knew it was her last Tuesday, last Wednesday, last Thursday… But it didn’t really sink in until her last Friday.  Since she came home from the hospital with the ventilator, Friday was one of the 2 shower days she had each week.  As I stood in the kitchen cutting the Ziploc bag we placed over her PICC line to keep it dry, it hit me.  Today was the last time that Frances would have a shower.  I realized that the end of her time in this world was coming and it was here faster than I thought it would ever get here.  I stood in the kitchen and cried into Scott’s shoulder. 

The weekend went too quickly after that, and before I knew it, it was Tuesday.  I was able to spend several minutes in her room as she read me the letter she had written to me.  She also gave me 2 beautiful pairs of her earrings and a necklace.  I was able to tell her again how much I loved her, and said goodbye.

I waited in the living room with the rest of the family as she said her personal goodbyes to everyone.  I was sitting on the couch leaning on Ann’s shoulder as we waited for Scott to get the nurse to start the medicines to help Frances go to sleep. During that time, I fell asleep since I hadn’t slept well the night before.

As soon as I fell asleep, I was dreaming.  I was in a room I had never been in before, sitting on a couch, just waiting.  The door opened, and in walked Frances and Scott, holding hands.  Together, they sat on the couch across from me.  And Frances spoke to me.  She kept repeating “It’s alright, I’m okay.  Let me go now. I’m happy now.”  I woke up and instantly felt a feeling of peace.  I knew Frances would be okay.  She was on her way to Jesus to worship him in her new and perfect body, able to walk and talk again. 

At 12:23pm, Frances went home with her Savior.

After Frances died, time went like a whirlwind.  Scott was getting ready to leave for a 2 week camping trip.  Aunt Betty was getting ready to take her motor home back to her house. I was getting ready for my trip to Arizona and California.  The house was eerily quiet, especially at night.  I used to be able to hear the sound of Frances’s breathing from the living room.  The first couple of nights I found myself straining to hear something that was no longer there.  It was odd for both Scott and I to be away from the house at the same time, something we hadn’t been able to do in 5 months.

It’s been a month and I’m still grieving a little, deep down inside.  There are things that remind me of Frances and I start to tear up and cry.  I still try to listen for the sound of her breathing or her alarm late at night.

In a couple of weeks I will be starting a new season of my life.  I will be moving from Scott and Frances’s house to live with Aunt Betty (Frances’s mom) and go to school.  It seems odd to me that this Arizona girl is planning on staying in Oregon.  I’m slowly making the transition…I now have an Oregon driver’s license in my wallet instead of an Arizona one.  Before long, my car will have Oregon plates on it.  However, I’m not planning on giving up the GPS anytime soon.  Someday, I hope, my sense of direction will be better and I’ll be able to drive in Portland without getting lost. 

And I know I’ll be an Oregon girl when I can parallel park…