I'm not okay...

Since Frances made her decision about her life support, everyone has been asking me how I'm doing.  I half smile/half grimace and say I'm okay.

I'm lying.  I'm not okay.

I'm hurting inside.  I feel like the ground has been pulled out from under my feet.  I can't sleep the night through, and the day is done on auto-pilot.

Everyone says call me if you need something, call me if you need to talk, but I can't.  I can't put into voice the words to explain what I need, what I'm feeling.  Even typing this out, I'm writing and rewriting, trying to get all of my thoughts out in a coherent manner.

I just want simple things.  I want to be held, to know I can get comfort from somewhere.  I want to be able to share my grief and not feel like I have to hide behind a happy mask.  I want to know that I'm needed for more than being the one who takes care of everything so other people don't have to worry.

I don't want you to tell me it's going to be alright, that it's all going to work out in the end.  I don't want to feel like I'm doing something wrong. I don't want to feel guilty for putting myself first every once in a while.

Lately though, it seems like all I'm getting are the things I don't want. 

And so I half-smile and say I'm okay.

Heavy hearted...

I know I promised an update on this summer, but there is so much going on.  Today's post is a little bit of everything going through my mind and my heart. 

Borrowed from Scott's Facebook page from July 1:
Not sure how (or if) I feel. Frances has shared that she wants family to come for our normal holiday weekend (and her birthday) get together. Only she has added that this will be her last and she wants them here to say goodbye. She has thought it through and has made her decision. She is at peace with it. How long will it take the rest of us to be?

All I can do is cry when I think about it.  Tears for the pain, the sorrow, the quest for peace and understanding.  Tears I have to give to God for He knows all my hurt.  He knows all Scott's hurt.  He knows all Frances's hurt.  He also knows how to soothe that hurt when it gets to be too much.  And lately for me that has been through music on the radio or my iPod.  I just want to share a little of that with you and what God is giving me out of each of these songs.  Please forgive me-I'm using the bits and pieces of the songs that are speaking to me the loudest.

Third Day "Cry Out To Jesus"
To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
When you said goodbye

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus.

Even though Frances isn't gone yet, this song hit me hard today.  I feel like I haven't had enough time with her.  I feel like I still have more to learn from her.  This song came on while running errands today and I sat in my car at the post office crying.  God knew I needed the reminder that during this time, I need to cry to Him.  He is the one who is going to give my heart the healing it will need as we go through this.  He will provide the love to soothe my broken heart.

Laura Story "Blessings"
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if the thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

That first night I was angry at God and this song played on my iPod as I was trying to fall asleep. I didn't have a specific reason why I was angry, I just felt mad at God.  I couldn’t feel God near.
I also haven't been sleeping well since that night.  Even taking melatonin, I'm still not falling asleep when I should.  I wake up at all hours of the night and I'm unable to fall back asleep.  And these lyrics from the song are running through my head as a reminder that God is near and I know He loves me.  He brought me here for a reason-even if I don’t know all of the reasons yet, He will provide the answer. 

Disciple “Things Left Unsaid”
So goodbye for now and I'll see you again some way some how
When it's my time to go to the other side
I'll hold you again and melt at your smile
Now all I have are the words that I'm with
That you taught me to not take for granted
The time that we had to show that we cared
Speak into the mind and hearts while they're here
And say I love you

If you fly away tonight
I want to tell you that I love you
I hope that you can hear me
I hope that you can feel me
If you fly away tonight
I want to tell you that I'm sorry
That I never told you when we were face to face

Taking care of Frances for the last 10 ½ months has taught me a lot.  It has taught me that I need to let people know that I love them how they are.  It made me realize that my talents lie in caring for people.   All of the medical related things I have learned at her bedside made me realize that I’m not as squeamish as I thought.  My new career goal is to get my nursing degree.

The other day when Frances and I were talking, she reminded me that we will see each other again in heaven.  And that thought has been in my head since then.  I need to have peace in the understanding that we will see each other again.  I don’t know when…but I know it will be a joyous reunion.  We will have perfect bodies; bodies without pain, without this disease that has robbed Frances.

We will be with Jesus...and that is something to look forward to.