Since Frances made her decision about her life support, everyone has been asking me how I'm doing. I half smile/half grimace and say I'm okay.
I'm lying. I'm not okay.
I'm hurting inside. I feel like the ground has been pulled out from under my feet. I can't sleep the night through, and the day is done on auto-pilot.
Everyone says call me if you need something, call me if you need to talk, but I can't. I can't put into voice the words to explain what I need, what I'm feeling. Even typing this out, I'm writing and rewriting, trying to get all of my thoughts out in a coherent manner.
I just want simple things. I want to be held, to know I can get comfort from somewhere. I want to be able to share my grief and not feel like I have to hide behind a happy mask. I want to know that I'm needed for more than being the one who takes care of everything so other people don't have to worry.
I don't want you to tell me it's going to be alright, that it's all going to work out in the end. I don't want to feel like I'm doing something wrong. I don't want to feel guilty for putting myself first every once in a while.
Lately though, it seems like all I'm getting are the things I don't want.
And so I half-smile and say I'm okay.
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