The End?

Wow, it's hard to believe that it has been 2 years since my first visit to Oregon.  So much has happened in those years.  So much I've been able to share with you and so much that I wasn't able to share.  But I don't know where to go from here...

I've made the decision to move back to Arizona.  The Arizona girl in me is dancing and laughing and doing cartwheels in joy at the fact that I'm going home.  The Oregon girl in me is crying and mourning.  I thought long and hard about this decision and still feel it is the best decision to make.  Since I haven't shared why I made this decision, I guess it's time to explain it.

In January, the only client I had through Home Instead changed his insurance and had to choose a new care company.  The office manager said they would look for another client for me and try to get me more hours.  They never found a steady client for me. To tell the truth, I only got 2 calls from them about picking up hours.  One client needed someone for several hours each day, but those hours cut into the time I was in class.  The other call was a last minute call, but I wasn't able to change my plans to make it to the client's house in time.  Finances wise, I was okay-I still had my unemployment income.

However, in February, my unemployment income stopped.  I had exhausted all of the funds available to me.  I knew that this was going to happen and I started looking for a job in January.  I put in countless of applications.  The only company I heard from/interviewed with was Big 5 Sporting Goods.  After I interviewed with them, I didn't hear from them for a while.

By the first week of March, I knew that something had to change.  I started looking at the option of going home.  I gave myself a deadline.  I had until Spring Break to find a job.  If I didn't have a job, then I was going to move back to Arizona.  I talked to my mom and made arrangements with her.  I knew that until I found a job in Arizona, I could earn money working with Jack at the ball parks.  The Saturday before finals, a week before my self imposed deadline, I gave up.  I sat and cried because I didn't want to go back to Arizona but I needed to be an adult and realize that I couldn't stay here.  Less that 24 hours later, the manager at Big 5 called me and asked if I was still interested in working there.

Of course I said "YES!"  Crystal was willing to work with my availability with school and the fact that I was going out of town for a week.  I went to California for spring break and had a wonderful time with my dad and family.  I came back and settled down into school and work and church.  Life was great again.

But in the back of my mind there was still that little voice that told me I should have gone home.  Something was missing in my life, something that Oregon wasn't providing me with.  I ignored that voice, tried to cover it up, tried to hide from it.

In April, I went back to Arizona for the celebration of life for Papa Bear.  And through my grief and sadness that voice started yelling at me.  That this is where I belonged, that I should stay there. And my heart...felt full.  It was a strange sensation.  I finally realized what that little voice was telling me.  There was something missing that was full again.  Once again I was fighting myself.  I had been hiding from myself and was slipping into depression again.  I had tried to find things to fill a hole inside of me.

The hole inside was a hole created by family.  I felt like I had been shoved out and I didn't know where my place was anymore.  I had tried to fill the hole but it was only a temporary fix.  It was wonderful for a while, but soon I felt like I was taking advantage of people and felt ashamed of myself for it.

Finally I gave voice to the words inside of me.  I needed to go home. I was trying to find where I was needed and I realized that I needed myself.  It was time to take care of me first, something I never quite got the hang of.  I had to finish the school term I was in and see if I could get a store transfer to a Big 5 in Phoenix.  And so we come to the present day.  The school term is over.  I have a store transfer in place to the Peoria store.

So my new adventure begins on Monday when Jamie, Kayla, and I drive from Oregon to Arizona.  And as for this blog?  I don't know, maybe I'll start a new blog.  I could flip it around and title it OR girl in AZ, but as in all things, I'll wait and see what tomorrow brings.

Thank you for your support and being there for me to vent out to the world.