In Christ I Can Do All Things

It’s amazing how God speaks to us. 

He’s been telling me I need to do something to help heal my heart and I have been fighting it.  I need to do what He has laid out before me, but I don’t want to.  I keep trying to come up with reasons not to do it.

Tonight, I’m sitting here arguing with Him about this task He has set for me.  Telling Him I can’t do it.  Telling Him my heart isn’t strong enough.  Telling Him that I don’t know how I’m going to do it. 

As usual, I have my music playing in the background.  In the middle of arguing with God, I start singing along.  And then I start crying because of the song that I started singing without realizing what song it was. 

It was “In Christ” by Big Daddy Weave.  Here are the exact words that I sang:

In Christ I can do all things

In Christ I mount up on eagle's wings

In Christ I wait for a great reward

That I have in store

In Christ I have His righteousness

In Christ I have what I confess

In Christ I don't worry about all the rest

Cause everything I need to be is in Christ

Just as I needed the reminder, God made it happen.  Once again, I’m humbled and amazed at what he uses to speak to us. 

Thanksgiving, tears, and honesty

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. 

There are days I don’t feel thankful, and the past few weeks have been full of those kinds of days, but things are looking better.

Obviously, I am thankful for my family and friends.  You’re taking the time to read what I’ve written, and for that I’m thankful.

I told myself a year ago when I started this blog that I needed to be honest in everything.  I’ve opened up my life to you and I know that wherever you are, you care for me or else you wouldn’t be reading this.

So I’m going to be honest and explain a little of what has really been going on, what I’ve been hiding in my heart and behind a facade. 

I’ve been floundering since Frances’s death.  For a year, I was needed by someone and was kept very busy-both physically and mentally.  I was able to put any negative feelings away and focus on taking care of Frances and the girls and the house and everything else.  Now, I don’t have those concerns.  I don’t have someone who needs me 24 hours a day.  It’s been hard to try and find where I fit in now.  Where is the Jenny shaped hole in the girls’ lives, in Scott’s life, in Aunt Betty’s life, in my own life?  There have been problems in the transition and I don’t deal well with major changes.

Going from being so busy to having more free time than I know what to do with has also been a hard transition.  I’ve been questioning what my role in this world really is.  Where does God want me?  What is His purpose for my life?  And then come the questions asking if God is really there…  I felt abandoned, left alone.  Like there was a brick wall between me and Him.  I felt like I was reaching and searching and He was playing hide and seek with me.

There was also the feeling and the question of when is it my turn to have a family?  I’ve always wanted a husband and children of my own.  I kept seeing friends and family on Facebook posting that they were engaged, they set dates, they got married, they were pregnant... And each time I saw one of those types of statuses, I cried and I railed at God.   I wanted to know where my helpmate was, where my children are…  I didn’t want to hear God say that I need to wait, that it’s not my turn yet.  I’m struggling with trusting God in this and placing my worry and stress in His hands.  Part of what I’m doing with this is wearing my True Love Waits ring again.  Having the ring on my left hand is there to remind me I’m trusting God in this and that I can’t take it away from Him.

I’ve touched on the topic of depression and my struggles with it.  What I haven’t told everyone is that my depression has gotten to the point where there were days that I didn’t want to continue to live.   There were times that I wanted to speed up instead of slow down for curves in the road…where I wanted to drive my car into one of the deep ditches that line parts of the highways here.  Something has stopped me every time it’s been heavy on my mind.  Usually, it is thoughts of my mom or my sisters and how they would feel if I did go through with it.  It has been thoughts of Sarah and Rebekah keeping me from doing anything.

I met with Pastor Bryan this week and poured out my heart to him.  He suggested things that I need to do to help find where my place in this world is.  And even though it has only been a couple of days since I met with him, I’ve felt this peace come over me.  I’m starting to feel God there again.  I needed to speak with someone who isn’t part of my family, someone who can give me an outside point of view.  I also needed to share with the people who love me most.  It also means I have to give up on the relationships that are unhealthy or work towards making them healthy.  There’s one relationship in particular that I want to work on but feel like I need to back away from it completely for now.    This has been especially hard since for a while, this has been one of the most important relationships in my life.

This is where I also need your help.  I need you to keep me accountable, to help me remember that I need to give up all my worries, all my concerns, all the things that are bothering me to God and that I need to do this every minute of every day.  Right now, these struggles are hard and I really need the support.  I’m going to try to keep the blog updated on how these struggles are going.  You can also email, call, or text me.  If you need any of the contact information, please leave me a comment here or on Facebook. 

Friends...

Friends.  It’s amazing how much is encompassed by one 7 letter word.

Have you ever had a friend that is the first person you want to call when something happens, whether good or bad?   A friend that you can vent all your frustrations to and have them listen and understand? A friend that you can run to for advice?  A friend that knows you will do the same for them, that calls you to vent, that calls for advice, that calls for the good and bad?

I have had a couple of friends like that.  Lately though, it seems like I’ve lost one of them.  I used to be able to talk to this person all the time.  They were the first person I wanted to call when I got a 92% on my Biology test, but I couldn’t.  They were the person I wanted to run to when I had problems or needed advice.  Lately though, they’re the last person I want to talk to.  I’ve taken their number off of my speed dial because I don’t need it anymore.  They used to call me, but those phone calls have stopped.

Something has slowly ruined the easy relationship we had.  And I don’t know what it is.  I can’t try to fix it if I don’t know what it is.  But when I think about it, I don’t know if I even want to fix it.  I wonder if the relationship is worth trying to save.

I also think God may have another friend waiting for me.  Frances had a home health aide who came to the house twice a week and helped me give Frances a shower.  She and I became friends.  She told me to give her a call sometime in October.  I didn’t give her a call, too much was going on.  But since then, I have run into her every couple of weeks.  It’s like God keeps throwing us together.  I last saw her on Friday night when the girls and I had to make a pull-up run to the store.  She mentioned then that she has never run into any of her previous client’s families as many times as she and I have run into each other.  So we’ve made plans to get together after the holidays. 

Even with all of this going on, I’ve been thinking a lot about where my life is headed.  I feel peace when I think about school.  I know that I need to stay in school and complete this degree.  I don’t feel peace anymore about staying in Oregon.  But I also don’t feel peace about going back to Phoenix.

So I guess I still need to sit back and think, and wonder where my life is headed.    

Running

The urge to run away is so strong.  I just want to leave, to run from everything until I don't feel anything anymore, until I'm numb. I'm sick of not sleeping.  Of crying myself to sleep when I finally do.  I'm tired of running on autopilot.  Of going through life one foggy day at a time.

So much stuff is going on that I can't talk to anyone about...can't relate to anyone about. 

And still there is that little voice in my head that tells me I should have listened to Frances when she told me I should go back to Phoenix.  That I need my Arizona family more than the Oregon family needs me.