Thanksgiving, tears, and honesty

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. 

There are days I don’t feel thankful, and the past few weeks have been full of those kinds of days, but things are looking better.

Obviously, I am thankful for my family and friends.  You’re taking the time to read what I’ve written, and for that I’m thankful.

I told myself a year ago when I started this blog that I needed to be honest in everything.  I’ve opened up my life to you and I know that wherever you are, you care for me or else you wouldn’t be reading this.

So I’m going to be honest and explain a little of what has really been going on, what I’ve been hiding in my heart and behind a facade. 

I’ve been floundering since Frances’s death.  For a year, I was needed by someone and was kept very busy-both physically and mentally.  I was able to put any negative feelings away and focus on taking care of Frances and the girls and the house and everything else.  Now, I don’t have those concerns.  I don’t have someone who needs me 24 hours a day.  It’s been hard to try and find where I fit in now.  Where is the Jenny shaped hole in the girls’ lives, in Scott’s life, in Aunt Betty’s life, in my own life?  There have been problems in the transition and I don’t deal well with major changes.

Going from being so busy to having more free time than I know what to do with has also been a hard transition.  I’ve been questioning what my role in this world really is.  Where does God want me?  What is His purpose for my life?  And then come the questions asking if God is really there…  I felt abandoned, left alone.  Like there was a brick wall between me and Him.  I felt like I was reaching and searching and He was playing hide and seek with me.

There was also the feeling and the question of when is it my turn to have a family?  I’ve always wanted a husband and children of my own.  I kept seeing friends and family on Facebook posting that they were engaged, they set dates, they got married, they were pregnant... And each time I saw one of those types of statuses, I cried and I railed at God.   I wanted to know where my helpmate was, where my children are…  I didn’t want to hear God say that I need to wait, that it’s not my turn yet.  I’m struggling with trusting God in this and placing my worry and stress in His hands.  Part of what I’m doing with this is wearing my True Love Waits ring again.  Having the ring on my left hand is there to remind me I’m trusting God in this and that I can’t take it away from Him.

I’ve touched on the topic of depression and my struggles with it.  What I haven’t told everyone is that my depression has gotten to the point where there were days that I didn’t want to continue to live.   There were times that I wanted to speed up instead of slow down for curves in the road…where I wanted to drive my car into one of the deep ditches that line parts of the highways here.  Something has stopped me every time it’s been heavy on my mind.  Usually, it is thoughts of my mom or my sisters and how they would feel if I did go through with it.  It has been thoughts of Sarah and Rebekah keeping me from doing anything.

I met with Pastor Bryan this week and poured out my heart to him.  He suggested things that I need to do to help find where my place in this world is.  And even though it has only been a couple of days since I met with him, I’ve felt this peace come over me.  I’m starting to feel God there again.  I needed to speak with someone who isn’t part of my family, someone who can give me an outside point of view.  I also needed to share with the people who love me most.  It also means I have to give up on the relationships that are unhealthy or work towards making them healthy.  There’s one relationship in particular that I want to work on but feel like I need to back away from it completely for now.    This has been especially hard since for a while, this has been one of the most important relationships in my life.

This is where I also need your help.  I need you to keep me accountable, to help me remember that I need to give up all my worries, all my concerns, all the things that are bothering me to God and that I need to do this every minute of every day.  Right now, these struggles are hard and I really need the support.  I’m going to try to keep the blog updated on how these struggles are going.  You can also email, call, or text me.  If you need any of the contact information, please leave me a comment here or on Facebook.