Disappointment with a little sadness...

I’m going to start this post off with a disclaimer.  This post may upset you.  And if it does, I apologize. 

I was so excited about going to church today.  I was going to go to the church where I spent 5 years at after I moved back to Phoenix from New Mexico.  The church where I made so many friends, worked with the children, sang in the choir, became family.

Several hours after church is over and I’m home, I realize I have names for what I’m feeling.  I’m feeling disappointment tinged with sadness and a realization of what I don’t want to be like.

I could not believe how many people told me it was good to see me, how was I doing, I had been missed…but, oh, where have you been for the last year, last 2 years?  I could not believe how many people did not know that I had moved to Oregon.  Some of these people had seen me in August when I visited and asked the exact same questions.

At one time I considered a lot of these same people friends and mentors.  And now I don’t know what to call them.

But I’ve come to a realization that I don’t want to be like that.  I don’t want to be the person who says that you are my friend, but I don’t call or write or message or try to keep in touch.   This is my resolution. 

And as for the church?  Well, you as a church and a congregation will be in my prayers.  It appears the reasons why I left this church 3 years ago are still there.  While I did see many new faces today, how many faces have been lost to other churches? 

I’m planning on visiting the church again for the New Year’s Day service as I told several people I would be there.  But I won’t have the same excited, expectant feeling I had leading up to today’s service.  

In Christ I Can Do All Things

It’s amazing how God speaks to us. 

He’s been telling me I need to do something to help heal my heart and I have been fighting it.  I need to do what He has laid out before me, but I don’t want to.  I keep trying to come up with reasons not to do it.

Tonight, I’m sitting here arguing with Him about this task He has set for me.  Telling Him I can’t do it.  Telling Him my heart isn’t strong enough.  Telling Him that I don’t know how I’m going to do it. 

As usual, I have my music playing in the background.  In the middle of arguing with God, I start singing along.  And then I start crying because of the song that I started singing without realizing what song it was. 

It was “In Christ” by Big Daddy Weave.  Here are the exact words that I sang:

In Christ I can do all things

In Christ I mount up on eagle's wings

In Christ I wait for a great reward

That I have in store

In Christ I have His righteousness

In Christ I have what I confess

In Christ I don't worry about all the rest

Cause everything I need to be is in Christ

Just as I needed the reminder, God made it happen.  Once again, I’m humbled and amazed at what he uses to speak to us. 

Thanksgiving, tears, and honesty

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. 

There are days I don’t feel thankful, and the past few weeks have been full of those kinds of days, but things are looking better.

Obviously, I am thankful for my family and friends.  You’re taking the time to read what I’ve written, and for that I’m thankful.

I told myself a year ago when I started this blog that I needed to be honest in everything.  I’ve opened up my life to you and I know that wherever you are, you care for me or else you wouldn’t be reading this.

So I’m going to be honest and explain a little of what has really been going on, what I’ve been hiding in my heart and behind a facade. 

I’ve been floundering since Frances’s death.  For a year, I was needed by someone and was kept very busy-both physically and mentally.  I was able to put any negative feelings away and focus on taking care of Frances and the girls and the house and everything else.  Now, I don’t have those concerns.  I don’t have someone who needs me 24 hours a day.  It’s been hard to try and find where I fit in now.  Where is the Jenny shaped hole in the girls’ lives, in Scott’s life, in Aunt Betty’s life, in my own life?  There have been problems in the transition and I don’t deal well with major changes.

Going from being so busy to having more free time than I know what to do with has also been a hard transition.  I’ve been questioning what my role in this world really is.  Where does God want me?  What is His purpose for my life?  And then come the questions asking if God is really there…  I felt abandoned, left alone.  Like there was a brick wall between me and Him.  I felt like I was reaching and searching and He was playing hide and seek with me.

There was also the feeling and the question of when is it my turn to have a family?  I’ve always wanted a husband and children of my own.  I kept seeing friends and family on Facebook posting that they were engaged, they set dates, they got married, they were pregnant... And each time I saw one of those types of statuses, I cried and I railed at God.   I wanted to know where my helpmate was, where my children are…  I didn’t want to hear God say that I need to wait, that it’s not my turn yet.  I’m struggling with trusting God in this and placing my worry and stress in His hands.  Part of what I’m doing with this is wearing my True Love Waits ring again.  Having the ring on my left hand is there to remind me I’m trusting God in this and that I can’t take it away from Him.

I’ve touched on the topic of depression and my struggles with it.  What I haven’t told everyone is that my depression has gotten to the point where there were days that I didn’t want to continue to live.   There were times that I wanted to speed up instead of slow down for curves in the road…where I wanted to drive my car into one of the deep ditches that line parts of the highways here.  Something has stopped me every time it’s been heavy on my mind.  Usually, it is thoughts of my mom or my sisters and how they would feel if I did go through with it.  It has been thoughts of Sarah and Rebekah keeping me from doing anything.

I met with Pastor Bryan this week and poured out my heart to him.  He suggested things that I need to do to help find where my place in this world is.  And even though it has only been a couple of days since I met with him, I’ve felt this peace come over me.  I’m starting to feel God there again.  I needed to speak with someone who isn’t part of my family, someone who can give me an outside point of view.  I also needed to share with the people who love me most.  It also means I have to give up on the relationships that are unhealthy or work towards making them healthy.  There’s one relationship in particular that I want to work on but feel like I need to back away from it completely for now.    This has been especially hard since for a while, this has been one of the most important relationships in my life.

This is where I also need your help.  I need you to keep me accountable, to help me remember that I need to give up all my worries, all my concerns, all the things that are bothering me to God and that I need to do this every minute of every day.  Right now, these struggles are hard and I really need the support.  I’m going to try to keep the blog updated on how these struggles are going.  You can also email, call, or text me.  If you need any of the contact information, please leave me a comment here or on Facebook. 

Friends...

Friends.  It’s amazing how much is encompassed by one 7 letter word.

Have you ever had a friend that is the first person you want to call when something happens, whether good or bad?   A friend that you can vent all your frustrations to and have them listen and understand? A friend that you can run to for advice?  A friend that knows you will do the same for them, that calls you to vent, that calls for advice, that calls for the good and bad?

I have had a couple of friends like that.  Lately though, it seems like I’ve lost one of them.  I used to be able to talk to this person all the time.  They were the first person I wanted to call when I got a 92% on my Biology test, but I couldn’t.  They were the person I wanted to run to when I had problems or needed advice.  Lately though, they’re the last person I want to talk to.  I’ve taken their number off of my speed dial because I don’t need it anymore.  They used to call me, but those phone calls have stopped.

Something has slowly ruined the easy relationship we had.  And I don’t know what it is.  I can’t try to fix it if I don’t know what it is.  But when I think about it, I don’t know if I even want to fix it.  I wonder if the relationship is worth trying to save.

I also think God may have another friend waiting for me.  Frances had a home health aide who came to the house twice a week and helped me give Frances a shower.  She and I became friends.  She told me to give her a call sometime in October.  I didn’t give her a call, too much was going on.  But since then, I have run into her every couple of weeks.  It’s like God keeps throwing us together.  I last saw her on Friday night when the girls and I had to make a pull-up run to the store.  She mentioned then that she has never run into any of her previous client’s families as many times as she and I have run into each other.  So we’ve made plans to get together after the holidays. 

Even with all of this going on, I’ve been thinking a lot about where my life is headed.  I feel peace when I think about school.  I know that I need to stay in school and complete this degree.  I don’t feel peace anymore about staying in Oregon.  But I also don’t feel peace about going back to Phoenix.

So I guess I still need to sit back and think, and wonder where my life is headed.    

Running

The urge to run away is so strong.  I just want to leave, to run from everything until I don't feel anything anymore, until I'm numb. I'm sick of not sleeping.  Of crying myself to sleep when I finally do.  I'm tired of running on autopilot.  Of going through life one foggy day at a time.

So much stuff is going on that I can't talk to anyone about...can't relate to anyone about. 

And still there is that little voice in my head that tells me I should have listened to Frances when she told me I should go back to Phoenix.  That I need my Arizona family more than the Oregon family needs me.

school, work and my mental health

So I guess it is past time to update everyone.  I’ve been busy the last month around here. 

I’ll start with school.  I started the semester with a 16 credit course load.  Three classes, Writing (English), Spanish and Biology.  Everything is going great in my Spanish and Biology class.  I’m learning a lot in these classes.  Writing has been a problem since the semester started.  The instructor has a certain mindset and heaven forbid if anyone contradicts her.  This week was the last straw.  I went to the admissions office and spoke to an advisor and have withdrawn from that class.  I’ll take it again next semester with a different instructor.  And I guess I feel a kind of relief, knowing I don’t have this third class that adds to the homework load.  My biology class is getting a little harder to understand and we’ve moved out of the Spanish that I already know into the Spanish that is above my head.  Maybe I was a little too eager to jump into classes when it has been a while since I’ve been in school.

Work is okay.  I have one permanent assignment (as permanent as caregiving gets) that I go to on Mondays and Wednesdays.  I get along with the gentleman I’m working with, and his wife reminds me of me.  She and I have shared about how hard it is to let go of control of the house and let someone help.  But she’s also looking forward to the day that her husband feels comfortable with just me taking care of him so she can leave the house and get away. 

Mental health wise, things aren’t so great.  We’re entering fall and winter here.  It’s really hard on me with my depression.  I miss the sunlight and the warmth.  I’ve increased my Vitamin D and I’m waiting for a sunlight lamp that helps people who have depression.  I’m also feeling lonely.  Even surrounded by people every day, I feel alone.

Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice in staying in Oregon.  There have been days when it seems like everything going on is too overwhelming and I just want to run.  And keep running with the hopes of leaving everything behind. 

...A new season begins

I've gotten a couple of comments lately about my plans.  There are still some people who don't know that I'm staying in Oregon instead of going back to Arizona.  Today's blog will be to update on the last month (I really need to blog more often!) and my reasons for staying in Oregon.

Reason 1 - One of Frances' last requests for me was that I stay at the house until the girls went back to school, which was the week of Labor Day.  I agreed to do so to help Scott deal with everything.  It turns out I wasn't really needed as he is doing a great job being a single daddy.

Reasons 2 and 3 - Rebekah and Sarah.  I didn't want to leave them so close to losing their mommy.  We still get to spend time together as they spent last weekend with Aunt Betty and I.  Also, I am the free babysitter on Mondays when Scott goes to his firefighter drill.

Reason 4 - Not too long before Frances died, I realized one of the reasons that God brought me to Oregon. I found my calling, where my talents lie.  I enjoy taking care of people and I'm good at it.  So I've decided to change my college major (again).  I am changing to Nursing.  This will satisfy my need to take care of people and bring joy to my life.  I don't know what specialty I want to work with, I'm leaning toward respiratory, but that may change as I continue through my studies.  I am enrolled at Portland Community College and start classes on Tuesday, September 27.

If you put it all together it makes sense.  I was adamant that I wanted to start classes this semester, otherwise, I would have put it off and who knows when I would have gone back.  College classes in Arizona started in the middle of August, which would have meant leaving before the girls went back to school, and the girls are really important to me. 

Once the girls were in school and Scott was ready to have me gone, I moved to Aunt Betty's house.  I now have my own room (with a door!) instead of sharing the girls' playroom with them.  Once I was moved, I started working on looking for a job.  I applied at a bunch of places, and got called for an interview with a company called Home Instead Senior Care.  They were looking for part time caregivers.  Interview done, and one week later, I got the call to schedule a day to start my training.  The best part is that they will work around my school schedule. 

So now, my focus is on school and my part time job.  Looking back to see what I did wrong when it came to college, I realized I was focused on my full time job and tried to fit school in around that and maybe that's why I didn't finish.  I have a new mindset now.  I am focused on full time school, with my part time job. 

And I think that's where you come in as my family and friends.  Help keep me accountable to my goal of completing my degree.  Be there for me if I start to struggle in my walk.

I've put the challenge to myself to see this through, will you help me?

One season ends...

My last post was a month ago, one week before Frances came off life support. So much has happened in the last month, and I’m going to get you caught up. 

The last week of Frances’s life was hard for me. It was hard to believe that time was ticking down quicker and quicker.  In the back of my mind I knew it was her last Tuesday, last Wednesday, last Thursday… But it didn’t really sink in until her last Friday.  Since she came home from the hospital with the ventilator, Friday was one of the 2 shower days she had each week.  As I stood in the kitchen cutting the Ziploc bag we placed over her PICC line to keep it dry, it hit me.  Today was the last time that Frances would have a shower.  I realized that the end of her time in this world was coming and it was here faster than I thought it would ever get here.  I stood in the kitchen and cried into Scott’s shoulder. 

The weekend went too quickly after that, and before I knew it, it was Tuesday.  I was able to spend several minutes in her room as she read me the letter she had written to me.  She also gave me 2 beautiful pairs of her earrings and a necklace.  I was able to tell her again how much I loved her, and said goodbye.

I waited in the living room with the rest of the family as she said her personal goodbyes to everyone.  I was sitting on the couch leaning on Ann’s shoulder as we waited for Scott to get the nurse to start the medicines to help Frances go to sleep. During that time, I fell asleep since I hadn’t slept well the night before.

As soon as I fell asleep, I was dreaming.  I was in a room I had never been in before, sitting on a couch, just waiting.  The door opened, and in walked Frances and Scott, holding hands.  Together, they sat on the couch across from me.  And Frances spoke to me.  She kept repeating “It’s alright, I’m okay.  Let me go now. I’m happy now.”  I woke up and instantly felt a feeling of peace.  I knew Frances would be okay.  She was on her way to Jesus to worship him in her new and perfect body, able to walk and talk again. 

At 12:23pm, Frances went home with her Savior.

After Frances died, time went like a whirlwind.  Scott was getting ready to leave for a 2 week camping trip.  Aunt Betty was getting ready to take her motor home back to her house. I was getting ready for my trip to Arizona and California.  The house was eerily quiet, especially at night.  I used to be able to hear the sound of Frances’s breathing from the living room.  The first couple of nights I found myself straining to hear something that was no longer there.  It was odd for both Scott and I to be away from the house at the same time, something we hadn’t been able to do in 5 months.

It’s been a month and I’m still grieving a little, deep down inside.  There are things that remind me of Frances and I start to tear up and cry.  I still try to listen for the sound of her breathing or her alarm late at night.

In a couple of weeks I will be starting a new season of my life.  I will be moving from Scott and Frances’s house to live with Aunt Betty (Frances’s mom) and go to school.  It seems odd to me that this Arizona girl is planning on staying in Oregon.  I’m slowly making the transition…I now have an Oregon driver’s license in my wallet instead of an Arizona one.  Before long, my car will have Oregon plates on it.  However, I’m not planning on giving up the GPS anytime soon.  Someday, I hope, my sense of direction will be better and I’ll be able to drive in Portland without getting lost. 

And I know I’ll be an Oregon girl when I can parallel park…

I'm not okay...

Since Frances made her decision about her life support, everyone has been asking me how I'm doing.  I half smile/half grimace and say I'm okay.

I'm lying.  I'm not okay.

I'm hurting inside.  I feel like the ground has been pulled out from under my feet.  I can't sleep the night through, and the day is done on auto-pilot.

Everyone says call me if you need something, call me if you need to talk, but I can't.  I can't put into voice the words to explain what I need, what I'm feeling.  Even typing this out, I'm writing and rewriting, trying to get all of my thoughts out in a coherent manner.

I just want simple things.  I want to be held, to know I can get comfort from somewhere.  I want to be able to share my grief and not feel like I have to hide behind a happy mask.  I want to know that I'm needed for more than being the one who takes care of everything so other people don't have to worry.

I don't want you to tell me it's going to be alright, that it's all going to work out in the end.  I don't want to feel like I'm doing something wrong. I don't want to feel guilty for putting myself first every once in a while.

Lately though, it seems like all I'm getting are the things I don't want. 

And so I half-smile and say I'm okay.

Heavy hearted...

I know I promised an update on this summer, but there is so much going on.  Today's post is a little bit of everything going through my mind and my heart. 

Borrowed from Scott's Facebook page from July 1:
Not sure how (or if) I feel. Frances has shared that she wants family to come for our normal holiday weekend (and her birthday) get together. Only she has added that this will be her last and she wants them here to say goodbye. She has thought it through and has made her decision. She is at peace with it. How long will it take the rest of us to be?

All I can do is cry when I think about it.  Tears for the pain, the sorrow, the quest for peace and understanding.  Tears I have to give to God for He knows all my hurt.  He knows all Scott's hurt.  He knows all Frances's hurt.  He also knows how to soothe that hurt when it gets to be too much.  And lately for me that has been through music on the radio or my iPod.  I just want to share a little of that with you and what God is giving me out of each of these songs.  Please forgive me-I'm using the bits and pieces of the songs that are speaking to me the loudest.

Third Day "Cry Out To Jesus"
To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
When you said goodbye

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus.

Even though Frances isn't gone yet, this song hit me hard today.  I feel like I haven't had enough time with her.  I feel like I still have more to learn from her.  This song came on while running errands today and I sat in my car at the post office crying.  God knew I needed the reminder that during this time, I need to cry to Him.  He is the one who is going to give my heart the healing it will need as we go through this.  He will provide the love to soothe my broken heart.

Laura Story "Blessings"
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if the thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

That first night I was angry at God and this song played on my iPod as I was trying to fall asleep. I didn't have a specific reason why I was angry, I just felt mad at God.  I couldn’t feel God near.
I also haven't been sleeping well since that night.  Even taking melatonin, I'm still not falling asleep when I should.  I wake up at all hours of the night and I'm unable to fall back asleep.  And these lyrics from the song are running through my head as a reminder that God is near and I know He loves me.  He brought me here for a reason-even if I don’t know all of the reasons yet, He will provide the answer. 

Disciple “Things Left Unsaid”
So goodbye for now and I'll see you again some way some how
When it's my time to go to the other side
I'll hold you again and melt at your smile
Now all I have are the words that I'm with
That you taught me to not take for granted
The time that we had to show that we cared
Speak into the mind and hearts while they're here
And say I love you

If you fly away tonight
I want to tell you that I love you
I hope that you can hear me
I hope that you can feel me
If you fly away tonight
I want to tell you that I'm sorry
That I never told you when we were face to face

Taking care of Frances for the last 10 ½ months has taught me a lot.  It has taught me that I need to let people know that I love them how they are.  It made me realize that my talents lie in caring for people.   All of the medical related things I have learned at her bedside made me realize that I’m not as squeamish as I thought.  My new career goal is to get my nursing degree.

The other day when Frances and I were talking, she reminded me that we will see each other again in heaven.  And that thought has been in my head since then.  I need to have peace in the understanding that we will see each other again.  I don’t know when…but I know it will be a joyous reunion.  We will have perfect bodies; bodies without pain, without this disease that has robbed Frances.

We will be with Jesus...and that is something to look forward to.

The Friday before Memorial Day

I have to apologize to you.  I just about forgot that I had this blog just sitting there, waiting for me to come and write what's on my heart and mind.  I'm going to try to write more than once a month as big things (and little things) happen.

Today's blog is just a little bit of reminiscing about the last year.  A year ago, my life started changing and leading to where I am today.  The Friday before Memorial Day, I was standing on the curb at the Portland airport waiting for someone to pick me up.  That someone was my cousin Chuck - a cousin who I don't ever remember meeting.  A cousin I had only talked to on the phone a couple of times.  I was asking myself why I was going to get into a car and spend the night at the house of a stranger and his wife.  (Sorry Chuck and Molly!) 

Before I could go into a panic and run back inside for the next plane heading back to Phoenix, Chuck pulled up to the curb and I was getting in the car.  From there, the weekend was a whirlwind.  I met family I hadn't seen in 20-plus years and family I had never met before. I fell in love with Scott and Frances' daughters, Rebekah and Sarah and Chuck and Molly's son, Cole.   I also met Jenelle, who would become a friend and her kids, Reagan and Dawson. 

Most important of all, I fell in love with Frances.  I admire her strength and her resolve.  I also admire the love she has for her family.  She is the reason why I left everything that is familiar and moved 1300 miles to a place I had only been twice.  She has become my hero.  And that means that I will continue to love her and take care of her until she no longer needs me. 

More later on the recent things going on, including this summer, my birthday, and my recent run in with the law...

A glimpse inside of me

I cried tonight while I washed off my makeup and took out my contacts.

I watched myself in the mirror and saw the 2 different faces of me.  There was the before...and the after.  The Jenny who could be confident and sure of herself...and the Jenny who doubts what she says and agonizes over things she has done, wondering if they were done right. 

One of my biggest failings is that I have very little confidence in myself.  I can't remember a time that I ever had a positive image of myself.  I'm sure some of you are reading this wondering where this is coming from.  The information above doesn't match with the person you've met and talked to.  But the truth is, this is me, hiding, showing the world a facade.  And it hurts inside to reveal the person beneath like this, but I'm hurting more from trying to hide it.  I don't have the energy to keep showing the world who I wish I was. 

Maybe I can figure out who the real Jenny is. 

Life's little curveballs

Rain, rain, go away.  It has rained pretty much non-stop since I got home from California a week ago.  I feel like I'm going to float away.

Have you ever gone on vacation and prayed nothing will happen to your house, car, etc?  I didn't when I left for spring break.  I was confident nothing would happen to my car while it was parked at Chuck and Molly's house.  So it surprised me to find a huge puddle of water in the passenger side foot well a couple of days after coming home.  I borrowed the wet/dry vac and tried to dry it the best I could.  It rained some more and there was another puddle in my car the next day.  Scott thinks it might be my windshield leaking, which means it is time for a new windshield.  Strike 1.

Monday while running errands, I realized one of my passenger side tires was extremely low on air.  I've known that it has been having trouble holding air but since I don't ride on the passenger side of my car, I keep forgetting to check it.  I don't know how long I've been driving with it low on air so I'm going to need a new tire and someone to stay with Frances so I can take it in.  Strike 2.

For the last few weeks, I've been having problems with my computer.  Now those problems have escalated to it locking up on me if I try to do anything or let it sit for too long.  I can't back up my hard drive or run a virus scan because is freezes.  I need to take it in to Best Buy and hope it is still under warranty/Geek Squad protection plan.  Either way, I'll probably have to pay to have it fixed, or buy a new one. (Thank you Scott for letting me use yours.)  Strike 3.  I'm out. 

So this first week back home has been a hard one to say the least.  I need your prayers for help in dealing with the above problems and me as I try to figure out what to do about health insurance, (I have none.) and my car registration (AZ vs. OR?).  And we can always use prayers for Scott, Frances, and the girls, as well as the other family and friends that take time out of their busy lives to help give us rest.  I'm grateful as I know Scott and I couldn't stay sane without you. 

Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Oregon any more

I know I haven't blogged since January, and I apologize for that.  It's been hard for me to put my thoughts onto paper (or on the screen in this case).  So many conflicting and confused thoughts and feelings.  But more later on those as I sort them out and can write about them. 

It's spring break in Oregon and I decided I would do some traveling to a warm climate with lots of friends like all the college students.  No, I'm not in Mexico, but a little farther north than that. . . Phoenix!!

I flew in Friday night and will spend time in California with my dad before I go back to Oregon next week.  I was hoping to trade the land of the rain for the land of the sun, except there's a storm system coming in this week.  No sun for me  :(

I was able to go to TJ and Debbie's wedding, which was beautiful.  I also got to go to Royal Palms this morning for church.  It was great seeing my friends and feeling their love. 

And best of all?  I get to spend time with my family.  It's nice to know that I can come here and feel like no time has passed.

So I'm going to close this post with a simple good night and I love you.

Bad news and soul searching

I don't know how to start this so I'm going to just type what comes through my mind and how I'm feeling.
 
When we have someone available to stay with Scott and Frances I go to the once monthly ALS caregivers support group. There I met Donna who is the wife of Larry.  Larry has ALS.
 
Yesterday morning Scott told me that Larry passed away on Thursday night.
 
Strangely, the news hit me hard. I'd only met Larry once, and his wife a couple of times. He had the same disease that Frances is dying from and that is almost like a bond bringing you closer together.
 
To put how I’m really feeling into words is that I'm scared.
 
I'm scared that I'm not strong enough. I'm scared because this will be the first death of a family member I'm close to. And although this fear has been in the back of my mind since I moved up here, it's gotten worse.
 
I think this fear is what has been causing problems around the house. After almost 5 months of getting close to the family here, I'm trying to distance myself so it doesn't hurt so badly. But I'm not succeeding. I'm only causing more pain, and not just to me. I'm causing pain to everyone in the household. Scott is getting frustrated with me. The girls are wondering where the fun Jenny they love is. And worst of all, I've hurt Frances. Not physically hurt her but through the things I've forgotten to do, the things I've said, have led her to be hurt and Scott to get upset with me.
 
I don't want to leave. And the family doesn't want me to leave. But I have to work through this fear.
 
I feel like God led me here and is now holding me at arm’s length. I feel like I can't find him. And it's painful emotionally and now physically. My body is hurting.
 
I just want to be left alone to work through this but I also want human comfort. For those of you who have read about love languages, I am a physical touch person. I miss being hugged by my mom. I miss being held and comforted by my sisters when I need to cry. And unfortunately having the kids come hug me or sit in my lap only takes care of part of that emotional yearning to be held and I don't have anyone else to turn to.
 
I don't know where to go or what to do. I need to repair the pain and problems I've caused but I don't know how. I'm searching for an answer and I don't have one. Not for myself and not for the loved ones who are asking.